BEER PONG

I had a request to write about our beloved game Beer Pong, which all you hoodrats know how to play in some form. It's funny though how everyone thinks their rules are the best, but hey, this is a sport where honor should be upheld. That's why the term"house rules" were made, right? So if I'm drinking in your abode, probably spilling in your abode, I'll be more than happy to beat you in your abode with your rules. But I didn't come here before you all to write about the rules of the game, but instead point out some of the finer points that we all cherish as often as we loathe. 

Beer Pong is a sport. It's a ball game. People spectate, scream, and drink beer. Hallelujah. But what else does any great sport like hockey, basketball, football, or soccer have? I'm sorry, need. It's shit-talking. Skill in any sport is multi-dimensional and any good player must be well-equipped in as many aspects of the game. So. You don't necessarily have to be good at talking shit, but if you don't, you better be good at zoning it out. This is what I like to call a classy player (don't worry, not referring to myself. that player dossier is coming up), especially so when they let they're skills do the talking (ie Reggie Miller, Ichiro, perhaps. Although this might be due to his ESL status. In fact, in Japan he might just be a stone cold butcher of a smack-talker). And maybe a little, "scoreboard" every now and then is far more demoralizing to opponents than constant banter, which leads to my preferred style of play, if you will. 

This is also goes for my partner of choice (no homo), who often might be a little too pugnacious with words. But I like it. Anyway, when you're exceptionally witty, and the opponent's exceptionally bad, why not add bolts, wood glue, and maybe some plaster to the coffin that you put them in? I once had a brilliant soccer coach who, to an extent, made me into the extremely tough, and masculine man that I am today. He told us that it's not always enough to beat a team to whet one's thirst for I don't know, glory? A "win" isn't always as satisfying as a "routing," or a "smashing," or my personal fav's "bloodbath," and "slaughter." When my team dominates a table for a night, it's a slaughterhouse, a massacre so much more so because on top of losing, and failing to defend the sacred table, losers are humiliated verbally. Now, I don't want to scare any of you potential losers. I mean opponents, because I like to think I'm a reasonable guy who knows when and where the time and place to talk some nitty gritty shitty is appropriate. And the beauty of the whole thing is that all that beer you've been drinking is only loosening the tongue more so resulting in hotter jokes, sweeter disses, and essentially shrinking amount of relent. It's kind of a shame that the amount of smack often seen on the BP table isn't as prevalent in professional sports. Can you imagine LeBron James screaming about what a pussy the pussy was that he just threw down on? Ah that was would be a treat! But back on topic, folks. Don't be intimidated by this ridiculously gay online blog (I hate that word. Why would I use a word a I hate?), because I like to tell myself that I'm also a humble bro, but I also believe that, like boldness, drink causes peoples' levels of humbleness to fluctuate more than your mom's weight. I mean come on, if it feels good for me to gloat in your ugly face after splashing your last cup, isn't it my right? I was going to say "god-given" right, but maybe "skill-driven's" better. Anyway, random thought. Oh, and readers, there's a reason football players do those chest/shoulder jump bumps. Because they're fuckin sweet. Both to watch and to do. Um, trying to think of crafty way of wrapping this up... nothin'.

Oh, but wait, there's something I want to get off my chest before I leave. Ladies (and i'm not going to name names. not because i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, because I have no effin' clue who did it), I understand you need to use toilet paper when you pee. But please, please don't do whatever it is you do to clog my toilet. K, done, thanx, bye. ttyl.